#139; have (maybe) landed from limbo

I don’t know how it happened, that I started to feel like I was home here in SoVA. I don’t know if it’s when I started working at the bar and made friends there, or my first road trip by myself, or if it only hit me when I realized I was willing to turn down opportunity outside of the Peninsula… But it’s happened. I feel home here. Home is walking into the club & the girls sweeping me up in their arms to make me up and teach me new things. Home is driving with my top down at sunrise. Home is a cigarette in the cold night just marveling at the world. Home is shaking & feeling dizzy with the happiness of it all. It’s mindblowing & humbling & surprising.

I’m again surrounded by music, taking my own time to do my own thing, and I feel so happy I said last night: “If I were a crier, this would be the happy-cry moment. This would definitely be the moment.”

I don’t even know how to put it to words, except that I woke up this morning, sat down, and started writing fiction again. Working on my Guardians stories. I haven’t really written – even wanted to – in years. It hasn’t felt right, it’s felt fake, off, whatever. Last night the flood gates opened and I’m terrified of that. What if I lose it again? What if I crumble again? I don’t know that I’d ever get it back if I fell apart this time. But… I want to write. I want to feel this way again.

It’s a tenuous hold that I have, this feeling, but I’m grasping it tightly and holding it close to my chest. I’m letting these feels wash me over and keeping my eye out for more definitive proof that I’m not insane in all of this. I never thought anywhere would feel like home like DC, like the family I have there and our cobbled together house in Petworth. But the world has always had a way of proving me wrong, and I’m glad to see it happen this time.

I feel like I’m slipping out of Limbo, moving onto more solid ground, and it’s been so long since I had that feeling, I don’t quite know what to do with it. Limbo has been me for so long, it’s hard to believe the crisis might be passing.

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