#330; gather up your jackets

2014 has been a bitch. I’m not one to use gendered slurs but somehow saying “2014 has been a total asshole” just doesn’t have the same ring to me. So yeah, 2014 has been a complete bitch. I’m not sorry to see it go. I thought 2013 was a terrible, no good, very bad year. And honestly, it was. But I thought that meant 2014 could only go up. I suppose everyone always thinks that after a rough year. A rough month. A rough day. But 2014 did not live up to its job. You had ONE JOB, 2014. And you failed.

Much of what 2014 put me through was personal, and this isn’t a tell all website, so without going into the ups and downs here, I’ll say that I’m looking forward to 2015 more than I thought possible. I know that an arbitrary date on the calendar doesn’t push a magical button and make everything right. I know that come midnight my problems will not go away. I know that I will see my therapist just as often in 2015 as I did this year. But there’s something about the ‘clean slate’ state of mind. A blank piece of paper, a new story to be told. I’m looking forward to telling that story. I’m looking forward to shaping that story. I think that’s what I’m taking from 2014. I may regret saying this in hindsight, I may tire of self-motivation and this might only last a day or two. But what I’m taking from 2014 is that I’m going to shape my own story, my own year.

My mental health issues are not something I can “shut off,” not something I can “shake off” or just decide not to feel. That’s how mental illness works. But I can choose to have a different perspective on it all. And in 2015 my perspective is going to be the one of a bull in a china shop. I am coming for bipolar disorder and depression and ptsd with all that I have. I am taking charge with my treatment, my medications, my job hunt, my sleep schedule. 2015 – 30 years old – is the year I rule my world, it doesn’t rule me.

So, come at me, 2015. Let’s see what you’ve got. Because I am stronger than 2013 and 2014 and I will be stronger than you, too.

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