Meredith: I almost died today … I can’t, I can’t remember our last kiss. All I could think about was I’m going to die today and I can’t remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy, I want to be able to remember that, and I can’t. I can’t remember.

Derek: I’m glad you didn’t die today … It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in, the one with the hole at the back of the neck. You’d just washed you hair and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late, you said you were going to see me later, and you leaned to me, put your hand on my chest, and you kissed me. Soft. Quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we’d do it everyday for the rest of our lives. And you went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed.

[2.17] – Grey’s Anatomy

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about decisions and time moving on with or without them. Is it better to have something decided – concrete, a clean cut, business-like – rather than having it evolve in certain other ways. So that you don’t know that the last kiss is the last. So that every moment you spend with a loved one is exactly as we’d want it to be. So that there is no sadness hidden behind goodbye smiles.

I’m not sure. Because a lot can be said for a true break. Closure. Decisions. It certainly seems to be the quickest route to moving on, and has been the generally decided upon route for most of my relationships. But then there’s a darkness that tinges the memories of those relationships, a wary “we know how it ended, when it ended, how you were a bastard or I was just too lazy.” When something ends organically, when you don’t know that your last kiss is your last, or the last time you tell someone you love them is the only chance you’ll ever have again, the sweetness of it just seems to keep a hazy beauty to it.

Does any of this make sense? Has my caffeine not kicked in yet?

What are your thoughts on endings? Are you a decision-maker? A do-er? Or do you go with the flow of things and see where it takes you? I’m trying to learn in 2010, to live more in the moment, not to worry so much about make decisions and planning the outcomes. I’d love your input.