All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another; Anatole France
The Snowpocalopse has hit in all its glory and we easily have 2+ feet of snow in lovely Petworth. Last night was spent with delicious food, a couple of bottles of wine (and eventually a fifth of Jack), and my best friends. A dear friend, Chipmunk, decided to cook us all his famed Cordon Bleu (from scratch) and pot stickers of chicken, beef, and the most delicious soup/sauce I think I’ve ever had (Worcestershire, A1, teriyaki, white wine, thyme, black pepper…). We bought Ben & Jerry’s for dessert (with the magic shell chocolate sauce because we’re all actually children) and curled up to watch Adult Swim until our eyes were too heavy to care about the snow coming down. We have hunkered down in full on slumber party mode here at the house, with friends from Virginia, NYC, Columbia Heights, and upstate NY joining to do just about nothing.
This seems like a wonderful way to spend the weekend, right? Relaxing, rejuvenating (after Florida with two children and NYC in a ten hour road trip of insanity), catching up with people I have missed this month.
And yet… I sit here, contemplating simply not going to the Dupont Snow Ball Fight and instead curling up with a hot toddie and movies. Warm, able to be a grump without the enticing Ben & Jerry’s (which we all but finished last night). For example:
See? We know how to handle inclement weather. And so, why am I a sad sack? Well, I suppose it started with the beginning of 2010. With my letter full of hopeful instructions to the year ahead. Perhaps, beginning a new year with such highexpectations for myself was my downfall. I figured that when you open yourself up to new experiences, indiscriminately, to the possibilities of love and hurt and triumph; well, those things only make you a richer person. It expands your horizons and hopefully gives you a lot of really funny stories by December (at the very least). And yet, by the end of the first month of this experiment, I am exhausted, burned, and skittish. I am very possibly skipping most of the fun of Snowpocalopse to stay home and be warm and be thoroughly snowed-in. I can’t even really figure out why. Is it my lack of live music this week? (Especially with Hotspur/No Second Troy postponed from last night at the 9:30 Club, had been looking forward to that show for weeks). Is it simply Winter getting to me?
Either way, it’s driving me up the wall! I’m surrounded by my best friends and housemates, we are playing Wii, drinking Jack Daniels (no judgment!), and making our plans for the End of the World (aka, even more snow). We even watched WarGamesthis morning. These are all things that cheer up Limbo, that make my world warm and bright and make me feel loved. And yet… There is a cloud hanging over me, and it’s not the fluffy kind that’s dumping white stuff all over the city.
In the meantime, I shall consider the quote that began this post. I shall consider that maybe the hope and the excitement and the new beginnings will not be all 2010 has in store for me. That in order to truly let myself go and enjoy all of those experiences, I have to actually let go. 2009 was a difficult year in many aspects, and I think I tried to make 2010 the opposite without putting the work in. Without making any real changes on my behalf. That ends now. I’m not going to simply take things as they come my way, I’m going to affect the things that happen to me. People who add stress or drama to my life? Out. Done. People who use me? They will not any more.
This should have been the letter I wrote to 2010. Hope tempered with realism, change that takes work. This snow storm will do me good (I’ll clean my house and re-emerge organized, energized, and ready for more), I’m determined, finally.